Visible

Trans day of visibility: March 31.

I live my life every day knowing that almost everyone who sees me thinks I'm something I'm not and I can't do anything about it. I get dressed every morning knowing that there is literally no way for me to "pass" as my gender. When I look feminine, I am given misplaced cis privilege and misogyny; when I look as masculine as I can, I am given a different kind of harassment that is still misogynist in nature, because I'm seen, at best, as a butch lesbian, or as a woman in drag (I don't bind for comfort and safety reasons, and top surgery isn't a financially viable option for me right now).

I try my hardest not to compare myself with my nonbinary friends, because we have different genders and different ways in which we want to and are able to express ourselves, but right now it would be really nice to either get rid of some of my breast tissue or grow some more stomach fat, so that the button up shirts that fit my tits don't hang loosely over my belly. It would be nice if I knew what sizes fit me in women's as well as men's sections, instead of clothes shopping being an exercise in managing dysmorphia as well as dysphoria. I want clothes that hug me but don't cling; I want "masculine" fabrics and patterns tailored to my "feminine" curves. Is "can't find the right clothes and therefore want to disappear forever" body dysphoria?

What does visibility mean when you're nonbinary? I have practically no role models, in my field of study or otherwise. For all I know, no one sees or cares about my online presence. The words I type and send out into the void are here because I hope that someday they may help another trans person, but what if that never happens?

Visibility is important. It can help to dismantle inaccurate, harmful, and/or deliberately misleading portrayals of trans people in media. Visible trans people can be role models for younger trans people.

But visible is not something all of us are able to be. Visibility is exhausting. It's repeatedly opening yourself up to the possibility of violence. Sometimes I don't have the energy to explain my gender to someone, so I allow them to keep thinking that I'm cis. I have been told more times than I can count that I'm not real, I'm actually a woman, I'm faking it for attention. I have avoided situations in which I might encounter transphobia of a more physical nature, and I am privileged in my ability to do that -- when I'm walking alone at night, a mugger is more likely to see me as a cis woman than as anything else. In the U.S. in 2018, at least 26 trans people were killed, and most of them were black trans women.

It's easy to see myself as privileged because I don't experience physical violence. What isn't easy is admitting to myself that I experience misplaced privilege because cis people don't think to educate themselves about nonbinary people until they meet one, and I'm often the first one they've met. What isn't easy is the obligation I feel to be visible, for myself and for all of my trans siblings who aren't able to be visible. What isn't easy is being visible and telling others that I'm comfortable in my gender when I'm actually still very insecure.

A few days ago I thought about going back into the closet after I graduate in June. At least I wouldn't have to deal with anger toward people misgendering me, because from their perspective they'd be gendering me correctly. Maybe I could turn it into a game, a costume, imagine myself in a movie. Aurora Lawrie, Cis Woman.

It hurt. My body rebelled against the thought by making me sleep for almost the entire day. Clearly, it was the wrong thing to be thinking about, but why was this in my head in the first place? I'm exhausted and I feel unable to be as visible as I think I "should" be. I feel irresponsible for being trans and not doing everything I can to educate others about trans issues.

Why do we have a trans day of visibility? What are we trying to achieve? From my perspective, we're trying to get to a point where we no longer need a day of visibility. This day is for us, but it's also a reminder to cis allies. Educate yourselves. Educate your friends. Stop leaving all of the work to us.