To everyone I've ever hurt

I'm sorry.

Without talking to you one-on-one, I don't know if you need anything from me, and several of you have blocked me online. It's very easy for me to think that means I don't have to do anything, which isn't true. Even if it's possible for me to contact you, that doesn't mean I should.

I try to cope with what happened to me as a child by telling myself I'm a good person. This honestly doesn't help as much as I want it to, and anyway, it's not fully true. I am a person who does many good things and also several shitty things. When I'm called out, I lash out, making everything worse. When I'm not called out, I keep doing the shitty things.

These are things that I need to change about myself. These are things that I want to change about myself. I won't apologize in advance for hurting you again, because that implies that I'm giving up on myself. Instead, I am apologizing for the hurt I have caused you, intentional or unintentional, and I am promising that I will continue to work on myself. I can't promise that I won't ever hurt you again, but I can promise that if I do and you call me on it I will be open to criticism, to self-reflection, and to learning.

I'm sorry. It's impossible to say it too many times.

I'm not writing this so that you'll forgive me; I'm learning to be okay with the possibility that I will never be forgiven, just as there may be some people who I will never forgive. I'm writing this because I'm growing and I want people to understand that it's normal to be shitty to people sometimes, and this is one way of moving forward after that. No one wants to think they're a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I'm also not a wholly good person. I exist in the context of the actions I have taken and the ones I will take, and I exist in the context of everything that has been done to me. So do we all.

I've ruined my fair share of relationships (romantic, platonic, or otherwise). I'm starting to take responsibility for that, because as much as someone else didn't listen to me or ignored me or manipulated me, I've done those things as well, often without realizing it. It's painful to acknowledge this. It's painful to look at myself and see the growth of ugliness alongside all the good that I have become. But it's dishonest to keep ignoring it.

If you read this, and you want to talk to me, I'm still on Facebook. I'm going through a lot of change right now, and I'll be honest with you about the level of interaction I can handle. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I may not be able to give you what you need, but I'll try.

I'm sorry.