Memory alpha

I'm in a whirlpool, and I don't know how to climb out.

I allow my social anxiety to control how I behave in social situations. If I'm not the center of attention, I worry that everyone hates me. If I am the center of attention, I work to turn the attention away from me, because I believe I don't deserve it. I have very little awareness of my actual self in real time and how I'm affecting others.

I say I want to be present in my life, and I refuse to unglue myself from my phone.

I'm making too much of this. Am I? I feel wrong. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, shouldn't belong anywhere.

The problem with blogging once a week is that sometimes I have thoughts after I've already posted. I can imagine it would be similar with therapy.

My face wants me to cry right now but my tear ducts refuse to cooperate.

Why do I bother? I'm just an annoyance. I don't pay attention to context. I push for things that I should let go. I insert myself into every conversation and try to make it about me. Or am I manipulating my memories to tell myself that I do that? Fuck. I can't even trust myself.

If none of my memories are reliable, then how the hell am I supposed to grow? I don't know if the foundation is solid. What if it collapses? What if it already has collapsed and I just can't see it?

I don't know how to be healthy. I don't know how to exist in healthy social situations. I don't know how to exist. I don't know. I don't

And no one's gonna tell me what to do, because I'm an adult now

I shouldn't drink alcohol!! Even if other people are doing it!! It's a depressant and it makes me more depressed!!

I really want to like myself, but what if everything I remember about myself is a lie?

What, exactly, am I doing to hurt myself, and how can I stop doing that? And how much of my anxiety is projection as opposed to reality, and where is the line between the two? And should I write music about this? Or should I quit music entirely? Or should I do neither, and continue existing in the space I currently take up, and gradually drive myself insane?

I want to be taken care of but I refuse to be infantilized.

I'm not enough. I'm too much. I'm both. I'm all. I don't like myself. I overshare, inappropriately, but I'm still not vulnerable. I allow fear to rule me, fear of rejection, fear of others hating me, fear that I will do something wrong. I don't like myself. I talk loudly. My jokes always have to be the funniest, my statements the smartest and the truest. I elbow and shove my way into spaces and conversations and situations that would have been better without me.

Maybe, when I start seeing a therapist, I'll show them this blog, show them the roller coaster of emotions I go through. I need help. I want help. I'm terrified. I don't know how long I can wait.