Stop

When I mess up, socially, interpersonally, it's incredibly difficult for me to forgive myself. I'm a little like my mother in this way; I'm able to admit that I fucked up, and I've even had success in putting others' needs first in trying to fix my mistakes, but I'm unable to get over myself and move past my inability to be perfect. My expectations of myself are much higher than my expectations of others.

So, I messed up recently. I was in my head, insensitive, and didn't realize that if I did a certain thing, I wouldn't enjoy it and would make it less fun for the people I was around. Part way through, I recognized that my negativity was bringing the collective mood down, and I left. A couple of people followed me, meaning that their friends had less fun as a result. I realized this later when one of the friends talked to me about how she had been hurt as a (direct, indirect, doesn't matter) consequence of my actions.

I'm sure she doesn't hold a grudge against me, but I hold a grudge against myself. I can't get past what was not a small mistake but definitely not a life-ruining one. This recent incident combines with my already-existing mental and emotional issues to convince me that my net effect on everyone around me is negative, and that whatever good I may bring is not worth the pain I inflict on others.

But I can't wallow in my self-loathing, because then I won't learn from this mistake. But I can't stop wallowing. I don't know how to fix my brain, to stop this cycle of ever-lowering self esteem.

It doesn't matter how many times people tell me that they think I'm a good person. They're just saying that because they don't know me, or they're closing their eyes to some parts of me, or they're biased. When people say that, I've gotten very good at acting like I accept it, but I don't. I just file that person in my brain in the category of "do not trust when it comes to my effect on others."

This is an incredibly unhealthy mindset, and I want to stop. I don't have the tools. I don't have the ability right now. I probably need therapy, but I can't convince myself that therapy is actually going to work, because of things that family members have said to me. I can't talk to my parents about this because I don't want them to know that I can't get over fucking up. I don't know if they'll help. They'd probably say things similar to my inner monologue: I'm overthinking this. I'm too negative. I have to think about something else. But I can't. My brain will not let this go.

I think a big part of this is that I'm an emotional masochist, and I inflict emotional pain on myself and/or deliberately put myself in situations that I know will hurt me. This isn't something I can control 100%. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism -- something like "if I hurt myself then I'll build up resistance for when other people hurt me" -- but I think I'm too sensitive (in the wrong way) for it to work in the way I expect it to. Again, I don't know how to stop.