Remember you will die

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation.

In my "About me," I've included two quotes, both from Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. The first is the motto of the Volunteer Fire Department; the second is the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School, which is a fairly dismal place.

Memento mori. Remember you will die.

It sounds bleak. Depressing. Remember you will die. But I see it as one of the most positive statements I've ever heard.

Last summer I wanted my life to end. I had a plan. It wasn't very well thought out; there were details that I never refined; but I had a plan. I had an end date in mind. My life was not precious to me. I didn't believe that what I had to offer the world was anything special or anything that would be missed. I still have trouble believing that.

At one point when I was working myself out of this (with help from my friends), I remembered that I would die. That is to say, I remembered that my death is inevitable. Why would I make it happen sooner than it needs to? Why would I mess with the natural course of my life?

Life fucking hurts, I won't lie. More days than not, I wake up and I wish I didn't exist. But I do, and there's some reason why it's me, now, in this body and mind, and whether or not I'll be reincarnated into another body after this one dies, I won't remember, so this is all I have. Even as I forget, even as I am unkind to myself and as I harm myself and harm others by harming myself, my life is important, and "memento mori" helps me remember that.

Memento mori is a kind of masochistic way of reminding myself that I have to make my life matter to myself.