Labels are hard

I'm tired.

I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of having to explain my identity. I'm tired of fighting against thinking about my identity in relation to binaries.

I'm tired of letting other people get to me. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not being able to control my emotional reactions, even though that's a completely unrealistic thing to expect of myself and it's much more productive to learn to regulate the actions I take in response to said reactions. I'm tired of being triggered to the point where distracting myself doesn't work anymore.

Are you tired?

I am queer. I was assigned female at birth; I am nonbinary. I am primarily attracted to people who present in masc and/or androgynous ways. Their gender identity is not important to me. "Pansexual" feels wrong, because although I experience attraction regardless of gender, I do not experience attraction regardless of presentation. Here is my problem with the current models of attraction: they do not take into account that it is impossible to tell someone's gender by looking at them. If you look at me, you will most likely see a woman. (The last person I dated did, when we met.) Your attraction to me, if you are attracted to me, will initially be based on you seeing me as a woman. This is a problem for me, because I am not a woman.

I'm tired of having to choose which way to misgender myself every time I use a public restroom. I'm tired of massaging people's feelings because they feel bad for misgendering me. I'm tired of living in this world that doesn't make space for me.

I understand why some people say that being trans is a revolution. Sometimes it feels necessary to turn living into a fight to survive, because that makes living feel more necessary. I don't want the only reason I live to be because I am necessary to others. I want to be necessary to myself.

I would like to be accepted without having to explain myself, but I am increasingly understanding that this may not always be the case. I would like to let people in, but explaining myself is draining and I need that energy to work on myself. But I hate being lonely. There must be a balance somewhere. I'm still very young. I will be okay, eventually. Maybe constantly reminding myself of that will make me okay now. Maybe I don't have to be everything I want to be yet to appreciate and accept myself. I know that I don't respond well to harsh criticisms, yet that's all I offer myself when I mess up. I need to learn to nurture myself.

Last night a work colleague told me that they appreciate the energy I bring, that I'm fun and positive and make my workplace brighter. My three favorite things about myself (because magic usually happens in threes or sevens) are my smile, my honesty, and my capacity for learning and growth. There is an overwhelming amount of knowledge that exists, that I could hold within me; I already hold so much more than I could have imagined at any point in my past. I am meant to be overwhelmed, to be frustrated, and to work through that. I am meant to have ups and downs, to question why I am here, and to answer "because I want to be."

My happiness does not depend on other people. My friends are extremely important to me, and I can and should lean on them for support, but if my reason for living doesn't come from within me, then I will never be at peace. Life really hurts sometimes! I have to let it hurt so that I can move on.