Indignation

This is the monologue that I wrote and performed for the 2018 production of The Vagina Monologues at DePaul University.

My gender is indignation.

Merriam-Webster: indignation: noun. "anger aroused by something unjust, unworthy, or mean."

I am angry. Am I angry? Anger is part of what I feel, yes, but it's only part. Anger doesn't accurately account for my ability to hide my gender behind a mask of smiles as I tell myself not to get so upset, that life isn't fair or easy.

See...I don't believe that. Difficulty keeps me motivated, but there's a fine line between too much and just enough. Life is not supposed to be this hard.

Indignation: "Anger aroused." [air quotes] Arousal is sometimes synonymous with beginning or waking up. I don't use it to describe my process of clarifying my identity, even though to an extent, I was waking up from the myth that the binaries we're forced into when we wake up for the first time are the only way to exist. Boy or girl. Penis or vagina. Gay or straight. Ugly or beautiful.

My process of clarifying my identity is longer than my process of coming out. Clarifying my identity involves constantly being afraid that I'm pretending it hurts more every time I hear someone call me "she," and that I hate having boobs half the days I'm alive, and that I don't like being called a girl.

Trans exclusionists have told me that these feelings are a product of my own internalized misogyny. They say I'm a woman who doesn't want to be a woman. Fuck yeah I want to be a woman! Women are awesome! But more than that, I want to be myself; and myself happens to be not a woman. How do I know this? I think that I question my gender because I'm not comfortable with the label currently assigned to me. And sure, labels don't matter, but the only time they don't matter is when they're the right ones.

Call me a girl; I shrivel. Physically, I may not react, because it may not be safe for me to react in that situation. Emotionally, a small part of me dies, and I have to work pretty hard to bring it back to life.