Aurora by any other name

A few weeks ago, I was in a group of people, some of whom I knew and some of whom I did not, and I was therefore put in a position of introducing myself to them. I introduced myself as Aurora, which is my legal name and my name given to me by my parents. As an aside, I mentioned that I also go by another name, which I chose for myself.

One of the people in the group was my freshman roommate. We don't really talk that much in person, apart from the occasional interaction by our instrument lockers, which are in the same hallway. We follow each other online, as much as our content shows up on each other's feeds. She was evidently aware of a post I had made about a week before, in which I asked people to call me the name I chose in addition to the name I was given.

In most Western cultures, people have one name that they go by, and that's that. It can be confusing to deviate from that. So I shouldn't have been that surprised when she messaged me later, asking why I hadn't introduced myself using my chosen name.

Here's the thing about my given name: it's unusual. My parents spent several weeks trying to pick the perfect name for me. My first two initials are A Z, for Arizona, the state I was born in and lived in until I was 18. It is also the name of the Sleeping Beauty and of the northern and southern lights.

I haven't really ever felt that I can be unexceptional, with an unusual name. I've felt pressure to be something extraordinary. What if I'm not extraordinary? Is being me not enough?

I was homeschooled through the end of high school. Whenever I did things with other children, I was always different; there were always ways in which they made it clear to me that I didn't belong. This became more subtle but also more hurtful as I got older. I'm sure this was not unique to me, and I'm sure it wasn't just because I was homeschooled and because I had an unusual name, but I didn't have any other explanation for it.

I should mention that the name I chose is also unusual, and a friend helped me pick it -- which is both wonderful, because I love my friend, and confusing, because it still doesn't quite feel like me. I don't think any name feels like me. I have friends who don't have any gender, and this feels a little bit like the way they describe their experiences.

Having a name is pressure, and expectation, and assumption. It's really stressful. Maybe I should just stick with the one my parents gave me. That might be easier if they'd given me a more common name, because I don't really like having to dismantle the image of a princess who sleeps for a hundred years every time I meet someone new, or be compared to the northern lights and not be allowed to acknowledge that I don't care that I'm less beautiful than them. I think I'm rambling. It's late. I'm trying to express something that I may not have the words for.

People use my name to learn something about my personality, but if I didn't choose the name, it doesn't say anything about me. If I did choose the name, does it say something about me, or about what I was reacting to when I chose it?

People use my name to refer to me, but they could also just call me "the person with all the gender." At this point, I'd probably prefer that.