I don't know what I'm doing

Trigger warning: self harm

I know that no one my age knows what they're doing, but that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be scared. As I wrote in one of my recent posts, I hate feeling powerless, and this is a great example of that.

Over the past few weeks, since school started, I've had several mildly self-destructive urges. Get drunk, alone... smoke... start cutting again...

I refuse to let myself do this. This is an accountability post. If I can't find a therapist, at least I'll stay sober and (mostly) sane.

It's really difficult. I want a distraction. I need a distraction. I live alone, and I don't really get invited to parties. I'm writing this on a Saturday night, and it's the second blog post I've written tonight. This is slightly sad.

I haven't practiced today. I meant to. I really did. I know why I didn't, too -- because I don't trust myself to practice well when I'm feeling like this.

All of my mental blocks are ones that I've put up myself. You want to know how it feels, being my own biggest enemy? It feels horrible. I feel like I've been reaching for something for ten years only to be told I can't have it because I'm reaching the wrong way and everyone was telling me to reach a different way and I didn't listen. I hate it.

I'm not sure why I'm using my energy to hate instead of to practice. I don't want to be doing that. I should be able to stop, to get up, to walk the three paces to my cello case, to take it out, to walk the three more paces to my chair, to sit down, to play. It looks so easy when I type it out like that. My mind is the only thing getting in my way.

Half a post and I'm no closer to a solution than I was when I started. There's a new season of Bojack Horseman that just came out and I'm terrified, because I relate to Bojack on a deep level that I don't admit to anyone, and I know he's a shitty person. I know, because he's me. I, too, say I want to get better but I don't know how. I know how. I just won't.

I said this was an accountability post. Okay. Here are some things that I'm going to work on.

• Accepting compliments

• Accepting when people lash out because they've been hurt, whether by me or not, and apologizing for my hurtful actions, and not engaging if I don't need to

• Being kinder to myself, in the way that says "hey resting right now is actually destructive, you need to be doing this thing instead"

• Smiling more

• Asking my friends for hugs!

• Asking my friends to hang out and actually following through on plans

I don't trust myself around other people, but I'm also really lonely. Conundrum! I need a therapist, but I'm really busy and my insurance doesn't cover mental health care (not sure if I've mentioned this before, too lazy to check). I need to cry more.