Feelings?

Please stop being attracted to me.

I know, I know that’s not fair to ask, and it’s unrealistic, and sexual attraction is a natural thing that happens. I’m saying this because I’m hurt, because when I’m attracted to a friend and they’re not into me I try to respect their boundaries and try my best to get over them so we can keep being friends, but so many men have told me “I don’t think I can just be friends with you,” seemingly without having spent any time trying.

Am I telling the truth when I say I have feelings for you, or does some small part of me know that I’m saying it so I won’t lose you, because you told me “I don’t think I can just be friends with you”?

It’s not that I don’t want sex with you, it’s that I don’t want sex at all, but your sexual attraction to me makes me feel like I’m obligated to have sex with you, and the cycle continues. And yes, part of it is my fault, because I think I’m not valuable without sex, but I hate feeling valued only for sex, and when I have sex that’s how I end up feeling.

I should say it’s not any individual person’s fault that any of this happens; it’s misogyny + double standards surrounding non-cis-male sexuality + my own trauma and experiences. That doesn’t diminish how unhelpful I find it to be with someone whose sexual desire for me is present in almost every interaction we have. I want to stress again how very much not anyone else’s fault this is; however, it does impact me, and it’s probably also not great for someone who likes sex to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone who doesn’t feel the same.

I’ve never been good at compromising. I want affection on my terms or not at all.

I don’t know if I can love myself, and I don’t know if I should try to, because love is a weird emotion and I’m still figuring out what it means and how it works.

I want to stop worrying that people I choose to spend time with are only interested in me as a potential partner. I want to stop seeing myself as an object, because the world has seen me as an object for the past 22 years, and it’s gotten to a point where I can’t do anything without thinking about how others will see it and what they’ll think. I want my body to be off limits, because maybe then I’ll trust that everyone around me actually likes me and values me and doesn’t see me the way I see myself. But at the same time, I latch onto people who act like they value me, and I develop feelings that I think might be romantic even when they’re not.

It’s my fault, because I can’t tell anyone “no” if they say they want me, because I want so desperately to be wanted, and I’m so scared that if I say “no” once, no one will ever want me again.

I am afraid to want. I am afraid that if I want too much, I will be disappointed. So I downplay my want and I end up settling for something that might be enough, because other people look at it from the outside and think it’s enough. And I explain myself, because I’ve learned that “I don’t know” is an unacceptable answer, that “because I don’t want to” is selfish, that “please don’t ask me that” is manipulative. I shouldn’t be around people until I figure my shit out.

I don’t really know the difference between platonic and romantic feelings anymore.

I don’t want to kiss you goodbye. I don’t want your hands on me, because they hold me like they want to fuck me. (Don’t ask me how I know. I’ve been fucked enough to know.) I want you to be my friend. I want to feel like I can be honest with you without hurting you. But that’s life, isn’t it? Honesty hurts.

So here’s my honesty. I want you to stop wanting me. I want you to stop wanting things that are unhealthy for me to give. And I don’t tell you this, because it seems like I’d be asking you to stop breathing. You didn’t choose to want me, and I didn’t choose how I feel either.

Please stop assuming that because I flirt with you, I want to date you. Partnered monogamy is not my end goal. I enjoy connecting with people before going home, alone, and decompressing without worrying about someone else’s emotions. Mine are already almost too much to process.

Please stop putting me into boxes that I don’t belong in. I’m queer. I don’t exist within heteronormative, monogamous constructs of gender and sexuality. I’ve always been a loner. Let me breathe.