Aware

Being aware of mental illness is only the beginning.

I'm having a really rough week, and I may not have adequately prepared for this week. I can feel myself dissolving at the seams, falling apart into tiny pieces that are each far more breakable than the whole has ever been. Being in my body is intensely stressful right now. I'm developing nervous habits, making popping sounds with my lips, clenching my toes slightly in a steady rhythm, holding an arm over my stomach, as if any of these things will help.

Tuesday was bad. Tuesday was really bad. I opened the door to my insecurities and let them walk in and out of me, filling me, filling my mind with reasons to hate me. Illogical but true. I haven't had space to heal. I can't take space to heal right now, not until Sunday is over.

Today I asked one of my supervisors to help me find subs for two of my shifts next week, because I need space. I need room to process everything I have put my body through these past few days. I need time to move through the pain and self-flagellation into a space of kindness and constructive thoughts/words/actions.

In the past, I haven't asked for space. I've been too scared that if I do, I'll be seen as less. Now, I'm scared that if I don't ask for space, the destruction I do to my relationships with others will be too great. If I don't ask for space, I will regress into unhealthy coping mechanisms. Even if I do ask for space, this still may happen, but I think it's less likely to happen.

I've been good at recognizing when I'm not okay for a while, but I'm only just starting to get better at letting other people know in a way that's constructive and seeks solutions, even if those solutions are only temporary. I think this is a step forward for me. I also don't feel the same desolation that I used to at my most depressed. I know that this happens; it has happened before and it will happen again, and I will work a way out of it as I have before. I just need time and space.