no idea what to title this

this is a lightly edited version of a post i made on my tumblr blog roughly a day ago.

when i was growing up, no one told me what life was like. i think because there's a level on which it's impossible to convey, but also because no one wants to talk about it. to ruin youthful idealism. but i'm in pain because no one told me. i’m writing this post for the children who don't know what life has in store for them and who don't have anyone else who will try to tell them.

life is, most often, really fucking hard. unless you manage to naturally be the thing that capitalism wants you to be, in which case this post is not for you. but it's the equivalent of my saturday afternoon right now if i worked a "traditional" 9-5, and i have just come out of a depressive spiral about my energy levels and general lack of ability to do things while employed full-time. and this is not an isolated event.

because the thing is, the things that are hard for me are *chores.* they're the things that don't matter to me on an emotional level but have to get done anyway. and they make everything else harder if they don't get done, and there's so little energy left if they do. that thing about "do things that are hard because they're worth doing"? chores do not feel worth doing. they feel empty. they feel like nothing.

if you love your job, you will put all your energy into it and not have energy to maintain your home. and if you don't love your job, it will drain you and you won't have energy to maintain your home.

and this sounds deeply pessimistic, right? it sounds like i'm saying you're doomed to a life of endless struggle. but if i believed that, i would be dead. the only way i've found to get through it is to talk to people about it, because feeling alone is the mind-killer. it numbs you. it makes everything worse. and you are not alone. everyone else is going through this too.

i mentioned above that i'm coming out of a depressive spiral about this exact thing—that's because i talked to one of my friends. there are people who will walk this road with you. there are moments that will make all of it feel worth the hurt. those are rare, and they may take a very long time to find. most of life will suck, and you have to do your own math to figure out whether it's worth it.

and an addendum: it's not a bad thing to need other people. it's never a bad thing. don't let anyone convince you that you don't need other people.

my friend helped me, but they only knew to help because i reached out and asked for it. it's incredibly scary and vulnerable to do that. it can feel insurmountably terrifying, the idea of letting someone else in on your pain that feels so deeply personal and unique to you. but it's not unique to you. they feel it too, in their own way that's influenced by their lived experience. and taking that leap of faith—reaching out and asking for help, with the right people, always pays off.

it's not manipulative to ask for help. it's not weak. asking for help, and genuinely being receptive to it, is an act of self care. there will be people who take advantage of this. you may get hurt before you find the people who won't. i wish that i could prevent that from happening, but there are people in this world whose intentions are to cause pain, and i am just one guy. just a guy who has been hurt a lot and picks himself up and tries again every single time, because the other options are worse.

and sometimes, when you try again, you stumble into something completely unexpected and life-altering and mind-blowing.