Life is hard

This post is late because I'm really busy and struggling, even though I don't look like I am. (I'm backdating it, because I need it to look like I published it on Monday.)

Trigger warning: mention of sexual assault.

A few weeks ago, I was signed up to play in studio class (on a Wednesday). My teacher was away, so we had a guest. I had been a little sick over the weekend, and was meant to have a lesson on Monday, but my teacher left school early that day. On Wednesday, I woke up overwhelmed by everything I had to do that day and for the rest of the week; this was also during the Kavanaugh mess, which brought up not only memories of my sexual assault but also general memories of other trauma. All of this combined to make me more anxious and less able to self-motivate than usual.

Taking these factors into account, I made a decision, for the immediate and longer-term benefit of my mental health, to erase my name from the sign-up sheet. If it had been any other week, I think this would have been okay. However, I wasn't the only person to erase my name that week; we ended up with only one person's name on the list, and class was very disorganized, especially because it was being run by someone relatively unfamiliar.

As a direct result of my actions (and others' actions too, but I was only directly privy to mine), the syllabus has been amended to make studio class mandatory; we now have an attendance sheet, and there is a grade penalty for missing more than one class per academic term (I think this even applies to excused absences, but I'm not entirely sure). I'm sure this isn't a terrible inconvenience for most of my peers, but I still feel guilty every time anyone (usually one of the two cello faculty) talks about it, because if I'd just been able to overcome my trauma and anxiety, I wouldn't have made everyone else's life more difficult than it needed to be.

(Typing this out is making me cry because one of my biggest fears is being a burden, especially to people who care about me and want me to succeed -- i.e. my teacher, our guest for studio class, my colleagues in the studio -- and that is exactly what I've done.)

I don't know how to take time for myself so that I can be mentally healthy without disappointing people. I don't know how to be the person my teachers think I am -- motivated, organized, committed. Maybe I am that person. But if I am, then why did I let myself get to a point where I needed to take this action, which contradicts the person who I supposedly am? How do I balance my almost completely full schedule with my need for rest and my limited ability to get things done -- or am I just making excuses? I don't know anymore. I'm so tired.

I was supposed to go to counseling services last week, but I have class and rehearsal almost the entire time that they're open. I feel as though this is a personal failure on my part, even though I only have a certain amount of control over my schedule. I should have found time to go, but I don't have very much energy left over when I have rehearsal every day and a recital and grad school auditions in 3-4 months.