Irresolute

Trigger warning: self harm

It's the last day of 2018 (in the US) and everyone gets super reflective around this time of year. I'm not usually a New Year's resolution type of person, but the new year is a pretty convenient midpoint in the academic year, which can make it useful for self reflection.

Things that happened in 2018 that were good:

1. I stopped cutting and have been clean for over 6 months

2. I like my body more than I did last January

3. I played a lot of new music and discovered that I'm good at it

4. I started spending actual time with friends

5. I sort of do know what I'm doing after I graduate, in that I have grad school plans and contingency plans (the details have yet to be worked out, but that's okay)

6. I got diagnoses of the weird shit my brain does, which was validating because now I have concrete proof that someone believes me and that I'm not making it up

7. My relationship with my parents has improved! (my dad used they for me the other day!! baby steps) (and my mom gave me rainbow earrings for Christmas)

8. My approach to auditions has gotten healthier! Last year I was Very Stressed; now my mentality is that my job is to play my best and worry about the results later

Things I intend to work on in 2019:

1. I'd like to be able to enjoy my own company more without losing the enjoyment I get from spending time with my friends

2. I want to listen better to myself and to others, and I want to spend more time in the moment rather than worrying about the past or the future

3. I'm going to try to expect less of myself -- this doesn't mean that I won't work hard, but it means that I might dislike myself less because I'm (ideally) letting go of the things I can't control

3.1. I'm also going to try to expect less of others, which will hopefully mean more fulfilling relationships with those who want to be in my life

4. Find. A. Therapist.

Other things:

1. GAME OF THRONES SEASON EIGHT

2. I'm probably not going to my graduation because I don't want to spend $70 buying a cap and gown I'm only going to wear once

A warning: I may miss a week here and there between now and April, and/or posts may appear late. It's audition season.