I am weak

Trigger warning: abuse.

Strength is a good thing.

We see it in Darwin's survival of the fittest; we see it in the narrative of colonization and war and destruction of cultures considered "less civilized" by the conquerors; we see it in the narrative of abuse survivors. Even the word survivor is a reminder that we are strong for continuing to exist. We are strong, even in our pain, even in our tears, because we did not give in.

How can you tell me that I am strong when every day I give in to the voices in my head that tell me without pausing for breath that I do not deserve to be loved? How can you tell me that I survived when every day I wonder who I would be if I had the ability to believe my friends when they tell me they love me?

I never asked to be strong, not by my definition (which I'm still figuring out), and definitely not by your definition. I don't like being told that giving in to the urge to harm myself is weak. I really hate the narrative that tells me I can only be one thing: strong or weak, it's a binary, and I have to pick one. Binaries are the bane of my existence.

My strength, the strength I gained from my abuse, is my weakness. I let it consume me. I give it power over me. I allow it to influence the way I interact with everything around me. Should I? I don't know. Can I do anything else? Existing is already difficult enough. This does not make me strong. I don't want it to make me strong. I don't want to be strong.

My weakness, my vulnerability, what happens when I open myself and allow you to see in, that is not my strength either. I am letting down my walls, and that is the least strong thing I can do, because I don't know which ones are defensive and which ones are structural, and I could fall to pieces right here in front of you, and then I'd feel terrible for making you help put me back together, and that's another thing that makes me weak.

Strength has limitations. I can only be so strong before I start to crack and you see the real me, the weak me, beneath. If I'm weak from the start, there's no need for me to crack. The real me is already here.