Hypocrite

Do I talk too much

Do I interrupt others

(and then get upset when they interrupt me)

Do I make everything about me

Am I making everything about me by asking these questions

How do I get out of this cycle????

~~~

Breathe

~~~

If you try to force the thoughts from your mind, they'll dig their heels in

~~~

It feels wrong to be kind to myself

but it feels bad to be mean to myself

and I cross the line into self harm territory without realising it

I like making myself feel bad

I don't feel whole without it

and that means that I sabotage everything good in my life whether or not I mean to

~~~

My parents love me

they hurt me

you decide what tense that verb is in

We learn to love from the people who love us

so I've learned that loving myself means hurting myself

and I've been internalising that for over twenty years

Capitalism encourages this by telling me that I am not worthy independent of my career, my job, my income — I do not deserve to live if I am not being paid for my contributions to society

I don't want to put barriers on my work

(let me make this very clear: I want to work, but not for money)

I want my work to be accessible to anyone who wants to engage with it, because only then am I truly contributing to society

Cis white wealthy patriarchy has heard enough of what I have to say. I do not make art for you

but you are the ones who decide whether I am allowed to live

Hurting myself is a defence mechanism

if I hurt myself first then others hurting me won't hurt so much

I want to be kind to myself

but I like being mean to myself