How do you feel?

In the 1986 film Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, the newly resurrected Spock is completing an electronically administered test. He gives factual answers perfectly but freezes when asked the question How do you feel?

The other day, a friend asked me how my day was. I told her I hadn’t done anything. She pointed out that she’d asked how I was, not what I’d done.

I’ve spent a large portion of the past few days listening to a medieval-style/”bardcore” cover of Creep, originally by Radiohead. It’s the only version of the song that I acknowledge as canon. There is something deeply uncomfortable about the lyrics, and the contrast between that and the beauty of the vocals and instrumentals is delicious to me.

I am proud of myself for (so far) sticking to a weekly routine of food shopping, meal preparation, and bread baking. I am worried that my pride in myself will result in me not doing any of the other things I need to get done. The world is Crowley and he drives too fast for me.

The life I am building is precarious because I don’t have a job right now. By the end of 2020 I will have run out of money unless I get a job before then. This worry permeates my being, my artistry, my sleep, my routines, my being.

I don’t belong here.