Dungeons & genders
I tend toward extreme self analysis without concrete action attached.
I started playing Dungeons & Dragons (colloquially known as d&d or dnd) in . . . late March? Early April? I don’t remember exactly when, I just remember immediately falling in love with everything about it. My character in the campaign that’s been running since then is a 28-year-old transmasculine chaotic neutral tiefling warlock/bard multiclass named Loge Hadous. Let’s unpack that.
transmasculine
I’m assigned female at birth. I haven’t taken any steps to transition physically. I’ve been out as nonbinary for a few years and have been wondering for a good while whether I might actually be a binary man. Loge began, at least partially, as an exploration into that.
Loge began the campaign as a warlock. His pact with his patron, the demon Crowley (borrowed from Good Omens by the ineffable Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett), gave him top and bottom surgery in addition to magical abilities.
I haven’t explored this yet in the campaign mostly because there is already So Much going on, but Loge . . . doesn’t always want a penis. He likes having a flat chest but most of that is because he really, really doesn’t want straight men to be attracted to him. (Like, really. He’ll flirt with them to shift power dynamics and also because he’s extremely flirty, but he never actually intends to act on it.) He’s a bottom. Having a penis makes it easier for him to keep people from touching his vagina (a source of dysphoria for him and also, you guessed it, me); it also makes it easier for him to orgasm; but his ideal state of being is modular genitalia that he can turn into whatever he wants them to be during sex and that vanish at all other times. Note: Loge is allosexual and I am asexual. I would be perfectly fine not having any genitalia at all.
Loge’s parents are extremely transphobic and kicked him out of their home when he was 15. He’s essentially been wandering since then, with no real ties to any particular physical place. Partly due to this he has a hard time building and maintaining friendships.
My parents are largely supportive. I grew up in the United States under the influence of a combination of American and British cultural norms. I have never lived anywhere that has felt like home; it’s always hard work to feel comfortable.
The only person I’ve been friends with for longer than 4-5 years is my younger sibling.
chaotic neutral
Note: he might be tending a little bit toward chaotic good
I wanted to play a character who, instead of trying to be healthy and not let his bitterness impact his worldview, leaned into that and didn’t trust people. Since multiclassing into bard, though, Loge has started doing a few genuinely kind/selfless things, which have surprised him just as much as they’ve surprised everyone else. Deep down, he just wants to be loved, and since the beginning of the campaign he’s been spending most of his time around people who aren’t pushing him away.
tiefling
horns? tail? infernal legacy? sign me up.
As a new player, tiefling looked like a good match for the warlock class.
warlock
To me this class is really about the relationship between warlock and patron.
Loge is, in fact, in love with his patron, who is also in love with him.
This is a little bit fraught for multiple reasons:
Crowley was originally one of Loge’s clients (Loge was a sex worker before becoming an adventurer)
Crowley is immortal; Loge is not
Crowley has given Loge a luck blade with a single wish so that Loge can break things off if he ever wants to
Loge has never been in love before and he really doesn’t know what he’s doing
Crowley has also (we think) not been in love with before and doesn’t really know what he’s doing
Loge accidentally sold his soul to another immortal (a devil) a couple of sessions into the campaign, so even though he sold his soul to Crowley first, things have the potential to get very heated
bard
Bards are great because their power comes from observing the world around them. Loge has been paying more attention to, well, everything since he became a bard.
Loge, as a bard, has been doing a fair bit of healing, which he would never have done as a warlock.
This has been quite confusing for him.
miscellaneous
Loge has massive trust issues
He’s afraid that anyone who says they like him actually only wants him for his body
He used to be a lot more detached; recently he has occasionally been feeling genuinely protective toward some people but it isn’t clear what inspires that reaction in him
Since becoming a bard he has written one (1) song about his feelings for Crowley
I might add more later